"Time of death, 9:45pm"

She was aching.

Her body was aching from a 36hour shift. Her mind was aching from a failed surgery. Her heart was aching from a dead patient.

She had killed her.

The sudden urge to cry overwhelmed her and her knees became wobbly. Her emotions were suffocating her and breathing was increasingly becoming difficult. She took large gulps of air in hopes of controlling and calming herself but failed. That's what she was.

A failure.

Her first lead surgery and she couldn't even get it right. A simple surgery at that.

She whimpered. Wanted to wail but instead settled for sobs and soft moans. She wouldn't disgrace herself any further.

"Never get too attached," she remembered being told. "Never let your emotions get the better of you."

There was a reason why the best doctors at Plus Hospital were sometimes considered heartless. They thought with their minds, not hearts.

Just like it was supposed to be.

She removed her coat and went to get some fresh air. She never minded the hospital smell but right then she thought it was the most foul smell. It made her insides to coil in disgust and gave her  a sudden urge to puke. Passing by the waiting room, which she thought was both a sad and hopeful place, she saw her children waiting patiently and clinging onto each other while mumbling some things. Probably prayers, and her heart ached even more for them.

Seeing the brother and sister, she assumed, being so hopeful and waiting for their mothers recovery gave her a sense of déjàvu. The memories of that fateful day crossed her mind briefly and she discarded it immediately.

She passed the waiting room quickly and went out. Inhaled and exhaled repeatedly until her heart resumed its steady rhythm.

'Its not your fault', the little inner voice that she mostly disregarded whispered ever so softly. Almost like a mothers whisper. Or was it touch?

'Shit happens', that voice again, only this time, it sounded like Tash's voice. And her blunt self.

She listened, for the few times that she did, to that little inner voice of hers. It wasn't her fault. That she was sure of. Shit happens. That was also true. Then why was she overreacting?

'You know why!' The voice spoke again. With Kendy's logical self this time.

She couldn't let her mind wander to the direction it wanted to go. She refused to answer the why question.

With a new mindset, the one that refused to remember sad memories, the one that shut down her past, she went back to the waiting room. As much as she hated this part, she had to tell the siblings the news. As much as it was hard.

"I'm sorry..." Sheenah began softly and it was all the siblings needed to hear for them to break down. Those two words could turn your whole world around. For the worst that is.

And Sheenah thought again how the waiting room could be both a sad and hopeful place. Before the 'i'm sorry' words, the siblings had hope. Hope that their mother would be better. Hope that there was hope for her recovery, even when the chances were so tiny. And then all that were crushed in front of them by two words.

I'm sorry.

How she hated those words in that moment.

Those two words dimmed any signs of hope one could have. They made the waiting room a sad place. They caused a rapid change to people's live.

The sister, she assumed, wailed uncontrollably. She sobbed so loudly that the sounds vibrated in the whole room. Her cries were made of wails,  sobs, questions and then soft moans. Continuously. The sadness of the news took its toll on her that she became too weak to support her weight and settled on the ground, a crying mess. The brother had to be strong for both of them. And Sheenah relieved the memory of that day. How similar and different it was to this one happening in front of her. Except in this, she was merely an observer, not a participator. And her heart ached again.

She wanted to offer comfort. She understand too well what they were going through. After all, hadn't something too similar to this happened to her and her brother? Hadn't she been the one in the brothers place, offering comfort to Derrick when he couldn't handle the death of Mam Rose? Hadn't they been a heap of crying mess when they had thought that their world had been crushed even before it had been built,  when the only person close to family had been snatched from them, while in the waiting room?

She felt empathy. She understood.

At that realization, a lone tear escaped her left eye and she wiped at it quickly. She had to pull herself together.

She decided to deliver the rest of the details later and left the room, giving them some much needed space. Grieving was as private and intimate as lovemaking, she thought. One needed to wrap their head around the loss, accept the outcome and face the future, alone. It did not matter whether you had other people with you, yes they were of importance, but only the person could understand the loss of that person since only them knew of their relationship with the lost soul. And their importance to them.

She peeked once again through the room and only hoped that they would be okay. Eventually.

On her way out, after talking to the brother, and after grabbing her things, she met Fred who smiled sympathetically at her and Sheenah gave him a tight smile.

"You okay?" Fred asked.

She knew she didn't need to lie. Fred, the attending surgeon who had overseen her as a surgical intern was one of the few people that she could be totally and absolutely free with. She was allowed weakness and vulnerability when with them. Something she never showed anyhowly.

"No, but I'll be fine." she sighed heavily.

"Go home." he said with finality. Fred was like a father to almost everyone at Plus. Especially the young folks like her. He was brilliant and highly skilled and was known for being stern yet gentle. Although no longer an intern, she heed to the statement that seemed more like an order. He was still her senior after all. She nodded and Fred pulled her to a bear hug.

"It never becomes any easier, but the first is arguably the most terrible one. I'm sorry." He pulled back, looking at her and Sheenah saw that he meant it.  "You're young and still learning. You'll be fine." He smiled and hugged her again, before letting go and patting her on the back. "Go get some rest."

Sheenah took a deep breath and was on her way, leaving Fred by the reception looking at her with the concern of a father. And maybe he was the father she never knew.

While fastening her seatbelt, she just hoped that there wouldn't be any  traffic. But her hopes were quickly crashed when she entered the  highway to her house. Stupid Nairobians and their obsessions about Friday nights. She particularly hated the rushing matatus that were over speeding without a care in the world. What happened to protecting life? Maybe she was judging the Kenyan youth too harshly. Hadn't she read in books and seen in movies that Friday nights were turn up days? The youth stupidity was all around the world. It had even affected her during her campus years, and was okay during that time. After all, you only live once.

While observing the scene unfold in front of her, she thought of how some people would give anything to have the life that was being taken for granted in front of her. Youth and it's stupidities. Or maybe it was ignorance. Or arrogance. She didn't know. But what she knew was that she craved a hot shower and some much needed sleep. With that thought, she stepped on the accelerator harder, turned to right and started speeding. That inner voice in her mocked her for judging the matatu drivers when they sped past her yet she was doing the exact thing that very moment. She shut it off, as she mostly did, and focused on the road.

She needed to get to her house.

***

Sheenah parked her car and fiddled for the house keys. She unlocked the door and entered, breathing in the weird yet familiar scent. She looked around her house and sighed.

Home is where the heart is. Sheenah thought. Hers was a house. There was a difference between the two, that she was sure of, but she just couldn't form words to verbally state and explain the difference. Damn her tired mind. She looked around her house and felt a cold shiver run down her spine, resulting to goosebumps. She wasn't cold. Her house wasn't cold, how could it be when the electric heater fitted somewhere provided more than needed warmth. It was choking sometimes.

She was over thinking. Again.

She looked around again and wondered if everyone felt this detached from their own homes.

It was lonely.

Maybe because she mostly spent her time at the hospital. She reasoned as she made her way to her bedroom. On arrival, her bed looked so tempting with its white clean sheets and super soft mattress that she almost wanted to sleep without showering but thought better of the idea.

After a warm calming shower, she felt relieved and hungry. She was too lazy to cook, and didn't have any fast snack, so decided to sleep on an empty stomach but knew that she would regret the decision in the morning.

Closing her eyes, she forced her mind not to think of anything and let darkness envelope her. Surrendering to tiredness, she allowed sleep. 

***

Her phone was ringing, she took her pillow and blocked her ears but the ringing became incessant. Groaning, she sat up and picked the phone.

"Lilly..." She spoke but it came out as a whine, combined with her raspy morning voice.

"Cranky." Lilly said while Sheenah rolled her eyes.

"How are you?" Lilly asked. Sheenah sighed slowly so that Lilly wouldn't hear her. Being her, the sigh would mean too much and her interpretation of things often was whacky.

"I'm sleepy." She managed to answer while suppressing a yawn.

"Oh, shit!" Lilly cussed. "It's early."

It wasn't a question but Sheenah answered, "too early."

Lilly sighed in an exaggerated manner before answering, "jeez I'm sorry. I needed your help with something but looks like I'll have to look elsewhere. I'll just call some other time. Love you."

Sheenah mumbled a barely audible reply before hanging up, yawning again. She threw her phone plus her body on the bed, trying to catch more sleep. Before she could close her eyes, her stomach growled and she couldn't ignore her hunger anymore. She was starving. Dragging herself from her bedroom she moved like a zombie, barely recognizing her own  movements.

She yawned again and prepared herself something to eat. After ravenously devouring the prepared food, she threw everything in the kitchen sink and went to her bedroom. She needed sleep. She jumped on the bed, checked her phone and saw a missed call from Lilly and a message from Fred telling her to take the weekend off. She couldn't be any happier. She closed her eyes once again and allowed darkness to consume her. She slept.

***

Sheenah woke up feeling better than earlier. Apart from the mild headache that she suspected was due to excess sleeping, she felt great. The room was dark, since the curtains were still closed. She switched on the bedside lamp and reached for her phone to check the time. '15:03pm' it read. Damn! She thought.

After freshening up and cleaning the place around, which didn't really need much, she dropped on the couch and scrolled through her TV  in a bid to try and find out something interesting to watch. Before she could settle on something, her phone ringtone interrupted her and she left the TV on a music channel with a Nigerian artist singing his heart out. She loved the song.

"Lilly," she answered.

"Hey, are you home?" Lilly asked, her voice slightly muffled.

"Yeah, why?"

"Why? Do I now need a reason to come over? If you hate me Shee just say so." Sheenah clicked her tongue, making Lilly chuckle.

"Remember I earlier called needing your help?" Sheenah nodded, forgetting that she was on the phone. "Well I still do, so is it fine if I pop up?"

"Of course. I'd love some company." They both hang up. A few minutes later Lilly called to ask if it would be fine if she came with the other two girls, for some reason, the suggestion thoroughly thrilled her.

Thinking of her girlfriends, she grinned widely, like a Cheshire cat. They were the energy she needed. They would fill the emptiness.

It wouldn't be lonely. Not anymore.

While still smiling, she thought of a Annie Danielson quote she had read. 'A home is where your story begins.' Her house would soon be a home. She could feel it. With the girls energy, and love... 

Maybe her story was just about to begin.

***

N\B ; matatu is a Kenyan slang for public service vehicle

psv

. Matatus are almost similar to buses but they  are smaller in size and passenger carriage and are more popular.

***