It all started when her warm hearted smile met my own. We were celebrating happy 4th of July so I ate a hot dog and that's when our friendship started. We got to know each other on a more personal level until we started dating. Then my mental state started to change a lot I think I was too clingy with her. I started to think about how much I loved her too where it felt like every single second that I wasn't with her was a century.

Then people started to notice that we were probably dating but we both knew that our parents were extremely homophobic toward same sex couples. It felt like I was living three lives one for zella, onefor the public, and one for me late at night. All of these lives felt like lies and I wanted to punch myself in the face so bad. still don't know why I didn't spare all the pain and happiness for a normal person's life

Then it finally happened she broke up with me about 6 months later. Then I started to think about how happy we were or maybe I was to in love to realize that it wasn't working out but what's done is done

She broke up with me over text I can't believe that love was that blind. The deppereshion really started to soaked in deep into my skin body and mind most of all. at least one panic attack a day

With in a month I almost committed suicide 5 times randomly. I think that we were just ment to be friends. I regret bracking contact with her we could have still have still be friends but her and my mom are crazy as literally hell. So zella if you read this chapter the beginnings I don't hate you I hate myself because I can't tell myself who I am.

If I wanted to I could undig my grave if I could just could say who I really am but society has chained me down so, I fell like I can't express myself the way I want. I can not add into the conversation hi I'm nonbinary and a homo sexual mess because I'll be judged for who I am.

I would DIE for every single second I wasn't judged for who I am why was I born this way. if I could choose I whould probably but the social standards of a normal person. I could be normal so I tried acting like a normal person but I couldn't carry a burden this humungous by myself what was the point. I was so so so scared that I was going to get bullied constantly. So I pretended almost every day of my life.

Then one day I my a person named Ty he help me with my metal ishues. He was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on he is amazing to hang around. To describe him It would be amazing good ball. Of course in a good goofy way.