Guilt.

It’s a nasty feeling that feeds on your soul and plants resentment in your heart. The thing about this emotion is that you can’t numb it. Until you find a way to repent, the memory of what you did keeps replaying on loop in your mind at the most inopportune moments. 

It had been forty five minutes since I entered my office and still, the same report displayed on the screen of my computer refused to make sense. My eyes were reading the numbers but my brain refused to interpret what they meant. Never before had I ever felt so completely thrown off my game. But then again, I had never hurt someone I cared about so badly. 

Cristo. 

It was over between us. For real this time. Any chance that we’d had left for mending the pieces that made up our complicated relationship had ceased to exist the moment he found me with that…jerk. How could I have been so stupid? I, of all people, understood how drinking past one’s limit had a tendency of shutting down all their brain cells. What the hell had I been thinking? Was I trying to prove something?

The buzzing of my phone snapped me into the present. 

With my heart leaping out of my chest, I snatched my purse and shoved my hand inside. In between taking deep breaths, I opened my eyes and stared at the caller ID. It took everything in me not to smash my phone with the heel of my shoe.

Why was Hugo calling me? What did he want? The damage he’d already caused was irrefutable, he didn’t need to remind me of that. The nagging feeling that haunted me was enough evidence of my screw up, I didn’t need anything else. 

Focus, Lilith!

With great difficulty, I abandoned my thoughts and stared at the numbers again. When did we upgrade our CCTV system? Why did it cost $15,375? Shouldn’t it have been $9,000 or something? Making a mental note to ask Lyra, I opened the next document. 

Before I had a chance to glance at it, my phone vibrated again. I knew better than to hope it was the person who probably never wanted to hear my voice for the rest of eternity but I still felt a rush when I lifted my phone. Like I suspected though, it was him. Hugo. 

“Take a hint, will you?” I clicked the reject button as I replaced the phone on my desk. Vowing to block the number if he called again, I skimmed through the list of our prospective clients. 

“Judging by the ugly scowl on your face, that must be Hugo,” Lyra commented as she closed the door behind her.

“Can you believe the audacity?” 

She let out a small laugh. “From what you’ve told me, it seems he doesn’t consider this to be a drunken mistake. For all you know, he could be calling to ask you out.” 

“Thank you for your comforting words,” I said sarcastically. “I don’t regret telling you about t all.” 

A look of concern washed over Lyra’s face. She stared at me for a few seconds and then pulled a chair to sit from across me. I knew that look. Dreaded it even. She was about to lecture me about self-preservation and what not.

“Don’t shoot the messenger,” she sighed.

“Just say whatever it is you have to say.”

“I think…” She began carefully. “I think you should call Cristo.” 

I blinked. “You are kidding me.”

“No, I’m not.”

“But…but he hates me! Don’t you get it?” I argued. “He won’t answer my calls.”

“Have you even tried calling him?” She fixed me with a hard glare. 

I shook my head slowly. 

Lyra shrugged. “Well, what are you waiting for?”

Her suggestion was ridiculous. She didn’t know him like I did. Heck, she hadn’t seen the pained look on his face when he’d spotted Hugo behind me. The look that carried layers and layers of hurt. My betrayal had pierced his heart like millions of sharp needles. The pain I had inflicted in him couldn’t just be erased with a single apologetic phone call. 

It’s easier when someone is pissed with you. At least that way, you can wait a little while for them to cool off before promising to be a better person in future.

With this kind of hurt, it was entirely different. 

Redemption isn’t easily earned. Time doesn’t necessarily heal those wounds either. Maybe it lessens the pain but people will never trust you the same again. Maybe the person you wronged will one day stand to be in the same room with you but in their eyes, your mistake will always define who you are. Dazzling memories will be replaced by that one moment in time that you let the irrational, human side of you fool you into doing something so unspeakable.

“Lyra, I’m telling you he doesn’t want to speak to me.” Now that I’d said the words out loud, they sounded real. And it stung. “Ever again.” 

“There is only one way to find out,” Lyra pressed. Realizing her words were not having any impact on my decision, she tried a different strategy. “Lilith, if you continue to sit here feeling sorry for yourself, you won’t get any work done. And that’s bad for business. I’m sorry but I have to be honest with you.”

“You came here to read me the riot act?” I deadpanned.

She didn’t laugh at my lame joke. “I know you, Lilith. You are scared of rejection, the same way you are terrified of letting people in. Tell you what, if you don’t go and explain to that man what happened and beg him to give you another chance, Blair will console him and before you know it, you will be reading their wedding announcement in the newspapers!”

I was at a loss for words. Never before had I felt so called out like that. If I was really honest, I was impressed by how well she’d summarized my dilemma and made the solution sound so simple.

Screw calling him. A face to face conversation was better. For one, Cristo would be forced to speak to me. And more importantly, I had a better chance of convincing him if I could see his facial expressions. 

“Is that what you want?” Lyra said. Her tone was fierce and her eyes commanding. 

“No,” I breathed. Pulling back my chair, I got up and grabbed my purse. “Can you take care of the office while I sort out my personal life?”

Lyra smiled proudly, touching my shoulder on her way out. “I will be happy to. Good luck.”