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I knew I was in love with you. Was I a fool for thinking you were in love with me too? - Jesu Nadal

–Prologue–

I don’t like it when West snaps at me after making love. It makes me feel used. As if I could give him everything and still it wouldn’t be enough.

I wipe my tears and take a deep breath to calm myself down. Sometimes he doesn’t even want to come near me. This is one of those days. I get it he is upset and occupied. But whenever he does this, it makes me feel abandoned and ugly.

I look at my face in the mirror and wash it in hopes of reducing the redness spread across my eyes. After a while, he opens the bathroom door and says, “Come to bed…”

“So you could fuck me, then shut me out again?” I ask with indifference.

He sighs. ”Nat…”

He takes a step towards me, trying to touch my arm, but I shrug him off. He stands there for a while, then says, “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told you anything. You worry too much… and you know how I feel about it...”

“Yeah, I get it. It’s my fault.”

My fault that I care and want him to do something about this fucked up situation…

I try to brush past him, but he grabs and pushes me against the wall while caging me with his arms. He cups my cheek in his palm and says, tracing my lips with his thumb, “Sometimes I wish I could have a fresh start…”

I blink at him to understand what he is trying to say.

He studies in my face for a moment, brings his face near mine to kiss. “I am sorry,” he murmurs against my lips and, like a fucking whore, I melt again. He kisses, pressing his body into me.

Why does he have so much control over my body? I hate him and I hate myself for this.

I let out a moan without meaning to. When he slips his hand in my panties, my heartbeat quickens and a shiver runs down my thighs. I try to resist him. I am soaking wet and I don’t want him to know.

I swear to God I feel his smirk across my lips. If he wasn’t pressed onto me. I would have kneed him. I try to pull away from the kiss, but he pins me hard.

He runs his thick digits across my slit while rubbing my clit with his thumb. I cannot help but shamelessly give in. When I rub my core to relieve myself on his hand. He pulls away from the kiss and says, “Ride it, Nat… Do it…”

He pushes two fingers inside. I squeeze my legs and squirm while he finger-fucks me. I try to match his rhythm to soothe the ache that has built up inside me. He takes a hard bite of my breasts above my clothes. I moan in pain and pleasure.

“Just keep going…” I say breathlessly and he fastens his pumps and my pussy starts clenching around his fingers. Soon enough, I shudder and go limp in his arms. He hugs me for a while, then he picks me up in his arms and takes me towards his room.

I look at his beautiful face, wondering how I even fall for this heartless boy and why he is being gentle right now.

He puts me down on his bed, then removes my clothes one by one. He leaves me a trail of kisses. My senses have heightened with an orgasm he just gave me.

With each kiss moving down and down, I feel his full lips wetting my skin, his light stubble scratching me. He kisses my cheeks, my neck, my shoulder, my breast. Then he moves to my stomach. I gasp when he opens my thigh and buries his face in. He licks and eats me out with patience. I tremble with every lick he takes across my slit. He sucks, bites and flickers my clit with his tongue. I am too sensitive down there. It’s almost torture.

Still, I am high in the thrill and passion of love he is showing. It’s rare for him to do this for me.

My clit is achingly swollen and I am pulsing with need. I want something that belongs here. Not his fingers or his tongue.

“I need you West.” I say desperately.

He gives me one deep, long smooch before pulling his cock out. He rubs it to my slits and I shiver. Then he pushes into me again. I feel both relief and desperation at the same time. My pussy walls rubbing around his cock makes me forget all miserable thoughts I was having earlier.

He fucks me, and he fucks me hard. But still, this time it’s somehow different. It feels like making love.

He isn’t into slow and passionate things. But that’s exactly what he is doing right now. Each deep thrust is a reminder of why he owns me. He knows how to play with me. Our bodies, bare and sweat mingling with each other, it’s too much for me to handle. I tilt my core to urge him to go harder.

He pumps into me, just the way I want. When I feel his ragged breath, I hold his hips and slam into me harder. He is too deep into me. It almost hurts.

“Oh fuck, Nat. You are too much… “ His voice is breaking and I know he is losing control, too.

He quickens his pace and within seconds, we both fall from the edge. We lie exhausted next to each other, then he surprises me by pulling me closer to spoon me. He holds me for long and I fall asleep in his arms, breathing in his comforting scent.

….

When I open my eyes in the morning, I notice him gazing at me. I smile and blush. I must look like a mess. I hate it when he points it out. But I cannot look my best, first thing in the morning.

“I will miss you,” He says instead.

What?

I frown. “Where are you going?”

He doesn’t answer at first, then he says, “I am going away for two weeks during summer break.”

Summer break starts after a week.

“Oh…”

I look at his face again. Bruising has completely faded on one side of his face and is slightly visible on another. By Monday, it will be gone. He didn’t hold back last night. Second time when we fucked, it felt like he was trying to comfort me. He removed his shirt. Showed his scars. Most of them have faded. Luckily, there aren’t any new bruises. I was just overthinking.

He sits up in bed and pulls me towards himself and says, “Come here. I want to capture this moment.”

I shake my head in horror. “Noo West, I look terrible.”

“You look beautiful Nat… Come here.”

—After Summer Break—

1. Breadcrumbing

West has been avoiding me. I know he was on vacation during initial week. But something was odd.

After vacation, he told me his father was giving him a hard time, and he needed space. Then more and more excuses. I tried to move on. Even though he never said anything to me. But then he would breadcrumb and pull me back.

He barely talks or texts these days, but doesn’t leave me alone either.

So last night, I confronted him. I asked Why didn’t he call me? Why was his phone always busy? He asked if I was trying to spy on him. I was not! I just missed him. When called, his phone was busy.

Every. Damn. Time.

Doesn’t he miss me? In school, it’s formal between us, but at night, we used to talk about anything to everything. When my mind wanders to dark corners, I tell myself It’s just a rough patch. He opened his heart to me. Told me his troubles at home. I told him about my insecurities. He is always pushing me to do better. I am always there to support him.

‘We are better than that.’ He would tell me whenever we saw a couple fighting.

I don’t agree, but don’t argue either. Fights are important sometimes. That’s why I pushed him to talk last night, but he yelled at me. I avoid confronting him, to avoid the silent treatment that comes afterward. It isn’t over.

‘We are better than that.’

Our argument last night doesn’t matter.

2. Fluke

As I see West and Riley walk together into the class, a dread rises inside me. Did he pick her up from home today? Is he talking to her every night? If out of all the people in the world, he has chosen her over me, then I am sincerely screwed. A few nights ago, her phone was busy when I tried to call her. But that could be a fluke. It has to be. We were supposed to tell others about us after the summer break. He wouldn’t do that to me.

Tears prickle my eyes as Riley and West come and sit next to me. I try to calm myself. I know I am probably overthinking. He is right. I just need to give him space. I am probably suffocating him. Maybe things are difficult at home again. He goes into a strange mood for weeks sometimes. It’s just that. I am sure. I have to talk to him. I manage to keep my tears at bay and we exchange pleasantries.

“Are you coming to the party on Friday, Riley?” She nods. Then he asks me, “What about you, Nat?”

I stare at his face as he talks so casually to me. Has he forgotten our argument? He doesn’t forget. It’s me who has to take a step to patch things up.

Always.

He would have answered my call and texts in the morning if he had forgiven me. There is nothing to forgive, though. Still, I need to subdue. I want to tell him NO. I won’t go with you anywhere unless we fucking communicate. Only because he is having a hard time doesn’t mean he has any right to give me hell, too. I want to show him I can live without him. But I wish I could believe it myself.

“Yes, she is,” Riley answers instead. “Don’t you dare make excuses this time Nat,” She grabs my arm and tells me. “I will pick you up. You ain’t yourself lately.”

She noticed. Doesn’t he see how miserable he is making me?

3. Party Night

I stare at myself in the mirror after getting ready for the Party. I take a pic and send it to Riley. I am not as beautiful as her. I need more effort to look better, but still, I am pleased with myself tonight. Riley often approves of my clothes. I have zero sense of clothing. It didn’t matter to me before. But now I am getting more and more antsy about my looks. West isn’t exactly kind with his words. He claims to be straightforward, but he doesn’t realize he comes off rude sometimes. He doesn’t notice how his words cut deep. But I guess it happens when you have a shitty family.

Last week wasn’t any different. West has been talking to me at school. But it’s superficial. As if ‘us’ before summer break didn’t exist. He called me last night after missing all my calls on previous nights. Took me all my strength to not answer his call. Because I am planning to talk to him tonight. Face to face. We need to make things official if he wants to keep this thing between us. I cannot take this secret bullshit anymore.

Riley: ‘You look awesome. My efforts are paying off :

I’ve a better idea about ur hair. I will redo it’

Me: ‘literally blushing…’

Riley: ‘We will reach ur place in five.’

We? Is she coming with West?

I look at myself in the mirror again. A wave of mixed emotions hit me. I should have picked his call last night. But he ignored me for weeks. Isn’t it fair for me to ignore him for once? I take a deep breath to calm myself. West’s car pulls over in our driveway and mom sends them upstairs.

Riley squeals as she sees me and hugs me tight.

“You look wayyy better than the pic.” She gives me a pointed look. It’s her way of saying ‘Your selfie skills are shit.’

“Not better than you!” I roll my eyes. No one in our whole class looks as fabulous as her. She looks gorgeous without any effort. God save us when she puts in an effort.

“She gave you a compliment. Just fucking take it, Nat!” West comes next to me and gives me a side hug, smiling and kisses my forehead. Just like that, it melts my heart. It’s a platonic thing we often do. But still, It makes me feel better. I have been yearning for his affection. Once Riley is done with my hair, she goes to use the washroom. West stands next to me, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

“You look good tonight. You should do it often.” He says rubbing my back.

I turn my head to see if he is being honest. He leans in for a kiss, but I turn my face to let it fall on my cheek.

“I need to talk to you,” I mumble.

He sighs, “Yes. It’s due. Let’s talk after the party.” He gives me a tight smile, moving away from me. I nod.

Riley comes out, and we head out for the party. Riley is super excited. Her energy is infectious tonight. It’s difficult to stay somber around her. Past week she tried her best to cheer me up.

“It’s been really long since we three hung out together,” Riley says as we sit in the car.

She is right. We used to have so much fun together before the summer break. Long drives. Random picnics and whatnot.

“Let’s make the most of tonight,” I say, smiling.

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